Three AM

It's three in the morning. The moon is very bright. Thoughts are in my head and I know I won't sleep again tonight.

This is not a chosen thought process. It comes upon me and there is no choice. The thoughts, like a stone dislodged from a rocky slope, must roll down hill until they find a resting place. I am helpless until this happens.

The emotion I feel is its own thing. Fascination, determination, an urge to make order, and satisfaction as each little piece finds its place. It is like stacking fire wood or arranging things neatly on a shelf. If I can only get all of the thoughts neatly put away then I can rest.

I am a poor feverish soul, the victim of a powerful potion. My mind turns down this path and will not be turned away. If I manage to turn away I somehow find myself back on the same path again. Like a fever that comes and goes it can last for days.

Everything is about time. Time is our measure of existence, a human creation, an observation, a comparison of states. We have made time to be perfect. All other things may vary, but time is exact.

Physics describes the universe and its relation to time. Without time nothing can happen, there is nothing to describe. I read once that there is no such thing as an instantaneous event. Everything takes time to happen.

Time, it seems a natural thing. We count each sun rise and the phases of the moon. The passing of the seasons. Time is the currency of life. It is so precious though, we are not satisfied with measuring seasons or days. We measure hours, minutes, seconds, thousandths of seconds and ever downward to smaller measurements. In our tidy little minds we have divided the spinning of the earth into smaller and smaller and exact increments.

Increments so small, we can tell the earth is slowing down on its access. The earth, our original clock, is slowing down and being left behind by the construct of time.

On we go sleeplessly arranging cord wood in our collective mind under a bright unblinking moon. The mind of man moves forward using the yardstick of time. We won't sleep until everything is in order.

We are reaching into space, measuring with our precisely crafted yardstick. We go further and further, straining to see a horizon. Looking for a pattern so that everything makes sense. We are looking for an end, punctuation closure. We will not rest until there is complete understanding. Complete order. Maybe if we achieve complete order, we will rest, in fact maybe we will, cease to be.

Life is more than order in the face of chaos. Life is like a vibration, the steady intake and orderly release of energy. It takes energy to impose order. Energy is released when order falls to disarray. Energy is not used or lost, rather it moves around. The vibration of that movement is life.

The earth absorbs the suns energy not just by soaking up heat. The energy of the sun is stored in the complexity of life. The sun's energy is required to make a tree grow and released when the wood burns or rots. Life is the process of putting things in order.

Humans crave order. So much so that we call on God to complete the impossible task. Some wonder, why all the fuss about God? Why must God be so powerful, so great? We need God because we must have order. God is the ultimate ordering of the universe. The law that binds all things. Without God the universe may fly to pieces, fall to chaos.

What is a puny human to do about such things? What is my input, what is my effect? When this body ceases to vibrate with life, where does the vibration go? God can answer these questions?

The striving for order the fear, the wonder, love, hate. All of these things are the vibration of life. Succeed in knowing it all, succeed in nailing it all down tight and you meet God. Perhaps you are God.

We are here because there are things to fear, things to wonder about and things to put in order.
We fear that if we stop chaos will overtake us and we won't put everything in order. We fear it because it is true.

Life is the search for order. If the trail grows cold we must have faith or lie down and die. Every living thing harbors faith in some form. Faith, whatever that faith is in, is like a pumping heart that supplies the reason to go on.

In our humanness it is handy to have a god who is like a person. A God we can converse with. One who will tell us everything will be alright and everything really is in order. We name our God, dress him and make lists of what he likes and doesn't like. It is in our nature to put in order even that which can not be ordered.

Some would argue that order exists and we merely discover it, but most of us are in the business of making order. We are not so passive that we could accept an order that simply exists, we make our own destiny. Destiny is a thing that we must have power over. We must move forward, we must have some effect we must exert control. The hunger that drives us to impose order is the thing that moves us forward. It is a human thing to visualize what we want and how we will get it.

The world is rich in detail, our plans are simplistic. Sometimes we can't make sense of the details. Sometimes we can not see a path to the thing we want. Some would move forward hoping to see a pattern some would pray for help from a greater power, many would wish the answer would come without any more work.

A miracle perhaps or magic. Does a miracle cease to be a miracle if you understand it. Is magic still magic if the workings of the magician are exposed?

We pursue goals, wealth, stability, equality, justice. The essence of the thing is in the process of wanting it. The value of life is in the struggle. How would you appreciate your wealth if there was no one you thought was poor? How could you appreciate equality if you had no concept of injustice? Reaching a goal is not all that it is held out to be.

Life owes its existence to it's limited nature.

Can't finish now, guess I'll have to stop here.